So it has been a while and I can't believe that I fell off the way that I did.
Well, that's a lie. I can believe that I fell off the way that I did after having a much-needed conversation and reality check with myself.
I couldn't believe that watching Lizzo's show on Amazon Prime would do me like that! I was shooketh. It wasn't because of the representation. It wasn't because of seeing someone who had my body type, hair texture, on-screen with a bonnet on (like WHAT?!), or my complexion. It was hearing echoes of how I currently felt!
I sat there in the middle of my bed and cried. I cried and wept for Tahkyra. I connected to how I felt like an imposter in my own life and was trying to help others. I wept because I doubted myself. I wept because I realized how much I had minimized and shrank my value.
It was Episode 4 where the women did a lot of breakthrough healing in learning to love the skin they are in! It was about embracing themselves and loving their inner selves. They challenged so many beliefs. Seeing women like me build their confidence and get that breakthrough and liberation was inspiring. So yeah, your girl had a moment that led to reflecting on my own limiting beliefs.
Recently, I had a reel on Facebook that went from 100 or so views to over 5,000 views and over 1,000 likes within 24 hours. This all happened at the same time. And it shook me to my core. What is interesting is that in the reel, I am praying for others to see their value, worth, and step into the truth of who they are. A quote from the prayer, "Father, help them to see that they have everything they need on the inside of them to succeed".
As I sat in the middle of my bed crying, I reflected on that reel. I reflected on my own words. I reflected on how I had been playing small. I had allowed myself to get to the point where a comparison-driven and perfectionist mindset was causing me to miss opportunities for my business and for myself.
I fell off because I didn't see the value in it anymore. I cared too much about numbers and productivity and lost sight and focus of my purpose!
I wasn't just BIGG because I am big in size, I was big because of who I am and whose I am. I am big because of my energy and my presence. I am big because I am a big deal and I have been playing it safe. I have been playing it too small.
Once I came to myself, I made some key decisions. In order to stop playing small and show up as me, I had to:
Stop Comparing Myself.
Realize that NOBODY and NO BODY is perfect.
I am a vibe by myself.
Challenge myself to show up for me!
It was the 4th insight that got me. I have been saying that I have to show up AS me. In actuality, I had to show up FOR me. I know how to show up for everyone else. I know how to take care of everyone else and make sure that they are together and good. I know how to be a servant and serve in the area of healing.
I just didn't know how to show up for myself! Take care of myself. Engage in self-care practices consistently to prevent burnout out and compassion fatigue. I was so focused on showing up in authenticity that I missed that I had to start by showing up for myself.
One of the difficult things about having trauma in your background is that it can teach you that neglecting yourself is a virtue. Sacrificing yourself is the normalized standard. That playing the martyr is the virtuous thing to do.
Why should I continue in a mindset that says that I am to continuously suffer by neglecting myself?
It's time that I, me, we, show up FOR and not just AS! Can you make the commitment to show up FOR you the same way that you serve and help others? That was the question that I posed to myself. I answered with a RESOUNDING YES!
No more sabotaging and defeating myself before I can even begin!
Watch out for this BIG Girl because I am no longer playing it small.